Sunday, 22 December 2013

Hev's Not So Merry Christmas Speech

Here's my Christmas Speech and it's not going to be a cheerful one.



Depression is not an uncommon illness and a lot of us will face mental health issues at some point in our lives.  One of the things I have also had to accept is that this time of year is not the happiest for me now anyway. Also It'll be the 10th anniversary of my dear friend Veronica's death from her malignant brain tumour tomorrow (23rd December) at aged 48.  Plus since Algy, winter has become a difficult time in general.

(Below is extracted from Facebook)

I discovered yesterday just how depressed I have become. The positive part of me needs a break & it will be back soon I hope, so I ask you to please be patient with the negative. 

I'll try not to be morose but won't put on a brave face either. Hopefully things will improve soon but again, please no more advice on 'being positive', 'not cutting the small stuff' etc. It takes *energy* to be positive, energy I don't have right now. I have 'cut the big stuff' with having and living with a brain tumour, but it is the small everyday stuff that *is* frustrating because the 'big stuff' effects it so much.

In short please accept that I am having to finally acknowledge that I am still grieving for the loss of my career, skills plus a large part of my self worth. I'm not after pity, sympathy, anything like that but just your understanding and patience. I'm not doing a 'poor me' because I am not 'poor' but very well blessed.  I told my husband Dave what is happening and how irrational and obsessed I seem to be getting over Twitter, my memory problems, goodness knows what else etc. He didn't laugh or get upset about this, but just gave me a *big* hug instead and we discussed my feelings later in the evening.

Dave had a similar problem after the death of a very good friend of his some years back, although his anger was directed at another friend whom Dave felt at the time wasn't giving him enough attention. This was an irrational feeling because this friend of his was always there during Dave's bereavement, and Dave thinks what I am going through is a similar thing.

I realized when Dave said this, that what is happening is I am still not able to 'close the book' on my past life i.e. my career which was my life for the best part of 32 years and I am still grieving over that loss now. 
However, I have to *allow* myself to grieve, finally face the ghosts and monsters of my past, present, fear of/for the future (sounds very Dickens), obsessions and irrational feelings of abandonment.  Hopefully if I can do that, then maybe I can move forward in to the next phase of my life and deal with whatever this is more effectively.  

After all, one cannot get rid of the elephant in the fridge, until you can accept it is there standing in the butter dish in the first place.

Wishing you all a Happy Christmas plus hopefully a peaceful and prosperous, trouble free 2014.  And thank you, *all* of you for your friendship, support, help and encouragement over the last year.

 Much Love,

Hev XXXXXX

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