Now to the important topic. Being shoved in to a proton linear particle accelerator for radiotherapy to my head. Two big things that are against it by now *IS* the fact that there will be side effects (yeah, got that bit) but these could lead to more permanent damage to my intellect and I think I'm brain damaged enough thank you. I have had some slight memory problems and my concentration levels are definitely down. But that could be a product of age, not sure.
There's still the opinion that my balance and dizziness is incidental to the tumour. I can't quite accept that but never mind. The 'RxTx' can only be applied once in most cases and there is definitely a case for leaving things to the last minute as there's no point causing damage before it is needed. So that does make a logical point.
I'm still ambivalent about it all, because I *don't* want to get worse, but if my balance issues are not all to do with Algy the tumour, I certainly would not want to make things worse by treatment which could leave me more damaged in the balance area, and as a result further reduce the quality of life that I do have. So I think God is telling me that the answer is to be patient and not try to put the donkey before the horse so to speak.
Which brings me on to another matter.
I have got a small NHS pension coming in that does cover most of the bills but with nowt left over for luxuries such as food etc. The small amount I have left from my lump sum has been supplementing this for a while and I have managed to get low rate disability in everything. But that will run out. My ESA is not being paid while they try to decide if I have got a magic 3rd income or not! Apparently they think I am still being paid sick pay from work. So for the nth time DWP!! I.WAS.BLOODY.WELL.DISMISSED.ON
I stated that ok, I might have to wait a few years for treatment, but in any event, it still means that I am basically unemployable, still have symptoms which will get worse over time no matter what in terms of treatment. I have a small pension, but only on the grounds I can no longer do my current job, but can apply for a higher rate if I am unable to work at all.. She started to tell me about the NHS bean counters who will have to study every penny put out in an already cash starved NHS. My response to that was that I have contributed full time to my NHS pension, can have a little bit more BUT need support from various clinicians if I apply for the higher level. I think that could at least get my butt out of the 'having to crawl to get any benefits' angle. But then I also sound like some lazy scrounger as well!
Given the fact I could wait years for treatment that will leave me affected in some way and that this will be in my later 50's, I have to accept no one in their right mind would employ me, ever! But there are still bills to pay, life to live and the prospect that at some point, an expensive 6 week treatment with possible long lasting side effects in a centre that at this time, is over 100 miles away with no accommodation thrown in!
So I guess it's time to start living life the best I can, while I can.
Algy the Tumour will be growing for a while longer yet!